The Priest and Confession:
A man goes to confession and says to the priest:
— Father, I slept with my best friend’s wife…
The priest, serious, replies:
— Son, that’s terrible, but God will forgive you if you pray five Our Fathers.
The man pauses for thought and says:
— Father… what if I pray ten instead? Because the truth is, it was really good.
The Old Man and the Doctor:
An old man goes to the doctor and says:
— Doctor, I have a problem… every time I make love, I hear wheezing.
The doctor examines him and says:
— *Sir, at your age… what more do you want to hear? Applause!
The Suspicious Wife:
The wife asks her husband:
— Love, if I were to die, would you get married again?
The husband replies:
— No, my love.
— Why not? Don’t you like being married?
— Well… yes.
— So, would you get married?
— Hmm… I suppose so.
— Would you sleep with her in our bed?
— Well… yes, it’s possible.
— Would she wear my clothes?
— No, my love, she’s shorter.
The Drunkard and the Taxi Driver:
A drunkard gets into a taxi and says to the driver:
—Take me home.
The taxi driver asks:
—Where exactly?
The drunkard, confused, replies:
—Well… to the living room. If my wife isn’t home, to the kitchen. And if she’s there, to the nearest bar.
The Unfaithful Parrot:
A man buys a parrot that repeats everything it hears.
One day, he comes home and the parrot says:
—”Honey, my husband isn’t home, come quickly.”
The man, furious, searches the entire house and finds no one.
The next day, the parrot says the same thing.
The man, fed up, grabs the parrot and puts it in the freezer.
After 5 minutes, he takes out the trembling parrot and says:
—Did you learn your lesson?
The parrot, frightened, replies:
— Yes… but I just want to know… what did the chicken do to make you leave it there for so long?
The Jealous Husband:
A man comes home unexpectedly and sees two feet under the curtain.
Furious, he grabs a bat and starts hitting it with all his might.
When he finishes, his wife looks at him calmly and says:
— My love, before you continue, I want to tell you that your mother came to visit us and hid to surprise you.
The husband, pale, asks:
— So whose feet are those?
The wife smiles and says:
— I don’t know… but it’s good that you hit them, I had doubts too.
The Hot Wife:
A woman lies down in bed, looks at her husband, and says:
— Honey, today I want you to make me feel like never before…
The husband looks at her, caresses her face, and whispers in her ear:
— There, I’ve already transferred my entire salary to your account!
Grandpa and the Blue Pill:
A grandpa goes to the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist:
— Young man, give me a Viagra pill, but only half.
The pharmacist asks:
— Only half? Grandpa, the whole pill will give you action all night long.
Grandpa replies:
— I don’t want that much action, son. I just want to keep it from falling while I urinate.
The Drunk Man and the Nun:
A drunk man sees a nun on the street and, out of nowhere, hits her.
The nun falls to the ground and the drunk man says:
— Come on, Batman… get up and keep fighting!
The Cautious Husband:
A man comes home drunk and says to his wife:
— Honey, get ready, because tonight I’m going to make love to you like never before!
The wife, excited, responds:
— Oh, love, how bold!
And the man says:
— Yes, because tonight… I’m sleeping on the couch.
The Lucky Old Man:
An 80-year-old grandfather marries a 25-year-old woman.
They go to the doctor to make sure everything is okay, and the doctor tells the old man:
— Grandpa, at your age, sex can be dangerous. It could cause death.
The old man replies:
— Well, doctor… if she dies, she dies.
The Cheeky Grandmother:
A grandmother walks into a lingerie store and says to the saleswoman:
— Miss, I want a really sexy outfit.
The saleswoman, surprised, asks:
— For your husband?
The grandmother replies:
— No, for me… my husband can’t see anymore, but he still feels.
The Drunkard and the Priest:
A drunkard enters the church and runs into the priest.
“Father, I want to confess…”
The priest replies:
“Son, you’re drunk. Go home and say three Hail Marys.”
The drunkard, confused, says:
“Three Hail Marys? What do I mix them with?”
The Wife and the Hairdresser:
A man arrives home late and his wife greets him angrily:
“You were probably with another woman!”
The husband, tired, replies:
“No, love, I was at the hairdresser.”
The wife, looking him up and down, shouts:
“Liar! You’re still just as ugly!”
The Man and the Magic Lamp:
A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
“I’ll grant you one wish.”
The man thinks and says:
“I want to be irresistible to all women.”
The genie snaps his fingers… and turns it into a credit card!
The husband and the suspicious wife:
The wife, with a suspicious expression, says to her husband:
— Honey, I was checking your cell phone…
The husband, nervous, replies:
— And what did you find?
The wife smiles and says:
— I found the best person in the world…
The husband breathes a sigh of relief and says:
— Oh, thank goodness.
The wife leans closer and whispers in his ear:
— But it wasn’t you.
The Drunk at the Pharmacy:
A drunk walks into a pharmacy and shouts:
— Give me a condom!
The pharmacist, annoyed, says:
— Sir, speak softly!
The drunk responds:
— Oh, excuse me! Then, give me a small condom.
The Grandfather at the Hospital:
The grandfather is in the hospital and the doctor says:
— Sir, I have two pieces of news for you: one good and one bad.
The grandfather responds:
— Tell me the bad news first.
— Your memory is getting worse.
The grandfather, confused, asks:
— And the good news?
The doctor smiles and says:
— At least you won’t remember.
The Priest and the Nun:
The priest says to the nun:
— Sister, do you know that with your gaze you illuminate me?
The nun, blushing, responds:
— Oh, Father…
And the priest concludes:
— Yes, but fasten your cassock, it’s dazzling me.
The Unfaithful Parrot:
A man buys a parrot and his wife says:
— Honey, show it beautiful things.
The husband spends hours telling it:
— Honey, you look beautiful. Honey, I love you.
The wife arrives the next day and the parrot says:
— Honey, you look beautiful! Honey, I love you!
She, excited, asks her husband:
— Oh, honey! Did you show me that for me?
The husband, nervous, responds:
— Uh… yes, of course… except the parrot already said it before.
The Husband on the Couch:
The wife says to her husband:
— If you keep ignoring me, you’ll sleep on the couch!
The husband replies:
“Great! At least the sofa doesn’t ask me for explanations.”